Why I quit working at the hospital
15 years of being a entrepreneur/solopreneur -- taking many emotional + financial risks, overfilling my plate and schedule and constant "I'll just do it" till the point of burnout and resentment -- this was the narrative and belief that was taught to me as a young child and the same goes for a lot of first-generation kids.
Instead of creating or working for passion, I saw my mom hustling at her day job as a nursing home administrator to selling FUBU jackets and fake bags out of her trunk (I just want to add that she still does this but now it’s Michael Kors bags lol) --- all to make money for survival. No one was telling her to do that because financially, my family was okay. It was a belief that was taught to her as a child growing up in the Philippines. That you need to work hard to earn money.
Recently I asked her if my grandparents and family had a difficult time earning money because I was under the impression that they were well off in the province. She told me that they were okay and they were never “poor” and that they had a lot of opportunities for income. My lineage were mostly business-owners — my great grand-parents were damili potters, my grandparents were farmers and entrepreneurs. In Ilocos Norte, San Nicolas (where my family is from) the province was known for being the country. San Nicolas is known for creating damili pottery with terra-cotta or red-clay — (damili is ilocano for molding).
Nana Paulina, the oldest Damili potter in San Nicolas. | Photo by Katrina Joline
Back in 2015 I won Miss Teen Hawaii Filipina and one of the rewards was a trip to the Philippines. My mom decided we would travel there when her town’s festival would be held — the Damili Festival (held annually around now till New Year’s Eve). I remember going on a tour to one of the pottery factories and I even got to sit down on a bench like Nana Paulina here, someone took a photo of me but I can’t find it. At the time I was blonde and looked very American. The town was so small that everyone knew I was Vicky’s daughter (come to find out she was extremely popular in her town haha.)
Other memories that came up for me was that they didn’t have a working shower and if you wanted warm water you’d have to boil water off the stove first. It reminded me a lot of my uncle’s house in Kalihi because whenever I’d sleepover there or spend time there, I would take a bath with the tabo (bucket) and I’d ask all innocently why I couldn’t use the shower 😂
It just goes to show that everyone has a different definition of poor and in my mom’s perspective, she didn’t feel like she was poor…so where did this hustle for survival mentality come from?
Recently I told my mom that I had quit my job at Kaiser to pursue my own business again. She was frustrated, asking me what am I going to do for money — a question all first-gen kids hear. This is where it gets confusing and will probably have to be a conversation with her later down the line —- my mom is an entrepreneur. She currently is one now. When she first immigrated here, she opened up a clothing store. Then she opened a furniture store (what’s with Filipinos and Edwardian furniture?).
So I didn’t get why she didn’t support me in this. Is it because she didn’t want to see me struggle (she is a Capricorn Sun btw)? Is it because she didn’t see my job as conventional (even though all her jobs weren’t?) and what was even moreeeee mixed messaging was that she would ask me if I had a showcase to put her jewelry in to sell (if you can imagine me putting my hands up in an IDK position do it now haha).
I know I’m going to write a book about our relationship one day and maybe this will be an excerpt in it.
I’m a Taurus Sun and it’s in our nature to worry about security and stability but there’s this strong desire and passion in me to pursue something of my own, despite the risk and anxiety of not having security and stability. No matter how hard I try to go back into a conventional route, I always dip out.
When I closed About The Goods brick-and-mortar, I was searching for something deeper than just clothes. The first thought like everyone was to go back to school. I was thinking Psychology but a good friend hinted that I’d be a good nurse. That comment put me on this whole trajectory of finding a program that would accept my bachelors degree in Journalism and put me on an accelerated route to becoming a nurse practitioner. I was excited like wow finally, I don’t have to have anxiety about what my next step is, I finally know what my career is and I can just invest in this one pathway! For a moment — it relieved me, key words: for a moment.
During COVID, I was working at the hospital and my department was dismantled — all my co-workers that I loved working with were in different departments and I never got to see them. Each shift I worked with a whole new set of people (remember! Taurus Sun!) and it sent my body into fight or flight mode. That’s when I discovered Breathwork and would run through sessions just before my shift so that I could feel more grounded and anchored.
I remember one night working in the covid unit asking myself, can I do this for the rest of my life? Looking around, I saw all the other workers and nurses burnt out, resenting their jobs and I didn’t want to be one of them. I knew I was there for a reason, to help during COVID. Once things started getting less intense at the hospital, I told my partner I was ready to quit. Little did I know that it triggered his trauma response of scarcity. He is also a first-generation Filipino-American but more traditional than me, always had the 9-5, clocking into work no matter what. I waited a couple of months to show him the numbers that I could pursue my business again full-time and then I quit.
Fast forward to now, I am working through my money traumas and through quitting my job and leaving nursing, I reclaimed my life back. Some days it’s hard — I fall back into that trauma response pattern — some days I can gently call myself out on it. But the important thing is that I am willing to work on it and I want to heal from it.
